Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
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I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
“you need to step outside your comfort zone” i have $17 in my bank account
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.