[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
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“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”