True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
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Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
If only.
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.