Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
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A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*