Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
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Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
ok hear me out: Luigiana
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”