INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
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Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
(driving in a bad neighborhood)
me: *slowly locks my door*
murderer in backseat: *slowly locks their door*
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
Rich people don’t understand cereal
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.