Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
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[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.