Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
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Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
technically true but not a great slogan
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
“You drive, I’m tired.”
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit