Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
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*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.