Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
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“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
Pikachu found the lost joint
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.