I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
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$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
🤣✨#caturday
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?