When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
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Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
🙂🙃🥹
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
Air conditioning – not a fan