rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
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Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
I never needed anything more in my life
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”