my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
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According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
s
oc
i
a
l
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.