I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
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*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
*jazz hands*
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.