Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
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her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot