Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
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protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.