Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
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Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
I never understood why people wear black clothes when they want to be sneaky
They should wear leather armor, because it’s made of hide.
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000