Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
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There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
This took me a second..
Lunatics are gonna loon.
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”