I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
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this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
I might carry a baby with one hand.
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.