Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
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Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
I wish I were this cool 😂
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
I hope this email punches you square in the face
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours