Ok, but like, how married are you?
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tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
Is your wife single?
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.