Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
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Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
Pee pressure > peer pressure
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)