*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
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I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
when nothing goes right… go left
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
Monica just destroyed the internet
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.