Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
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Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.