My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
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I tried home schooling for years, but my house still can’t read.
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.