[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
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Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
This is my bus stop.
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
About to go for a run, because shoplifting