Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
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wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.