In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
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“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
Love is always patient and kind.
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
Candles never taste the way they smell
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?