Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
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It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.