I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
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robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
oh good, now I can stop drinking
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”