An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
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Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
Good morning
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)