*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
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I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist.
Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
This is me 🤣🤣
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.