How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
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If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.