They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
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A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business