People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
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“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
incredible
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
Hank is one in a melon.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.