Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
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When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
Me trying to walk in a dream
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*