If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
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Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
definitely did not do anything wrong
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
how much does a mortician urn in a year
IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore