I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
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“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?