[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
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Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
It’s obvious now that democracy is a busted flush and that in future politicians should be selected via several rigorous rounds of Taskmaster.
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.