boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
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I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
okay run it by me one more time
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
my husband and I were running from a demon who was trying to kill us (in a video game) and I was about to die bc I couldn’t find a hiding spot but then my husband gave me his hiding spot and the demon killed him instead of me and I was like omg babe noo and then I looted his body