“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
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I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
where do you see yourself in five years?
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
Free him
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.