when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
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BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.