Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
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4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
greetings!
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
favorite tropes as memes
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character