wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
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Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
ACED my prostate exam!
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3