I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
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[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
Try and stop me.
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.