Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
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Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.