Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
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Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
much to think about
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]