Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
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At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
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1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point