I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
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Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
You look like you would fail a DNA test
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.